Facing my fears has been a journey from the battlefields of Iraq to the everyday battles of civilian life. As I embark on a new path as an author and content creator, I'm delving deep into the heart of fear, transforming it from a constant shadow into a source of strength. Join me as I explore this transformative journey, unmasking fear and embracing resilience in ways I never imagined possible.

The Inescapable Presence of Fear in Service

My military service, particularly during the initial invasion of Iraq, was a time when fear was as tangible as the desert sand beneath my boots. I vividly remember the track door dropping on March 23rd, 2003, in An Nasiriyah. The sound of enemy rounds pelting our AAV and the ground before me, RPGs slicing the air overhead - it was a sensory overload. I was the first man positioned to exit the vehicle. In that instant, every hair on my body stood on end, and my gut felt hollow with fear so acute it was almost paralyzing. It lasted but a split second, yet in that fleeting moment, I tasted true fear.

This is why the Marine Corps trains us relentlessly. The grueling PT sessions and the chants of "What makes the grass grow? Blood, blood, blood!" are all designed to forge warriors equipped to handle such moments. But looking back, I realize how this mindset, while invaluable in combat, inadvertently impacted my ability to acknowledge and address the trauma I experienced.

Moral Injury and the Struggle for Help

Returning to the ship after the invasion, the weight of what I had seen and done began to crush me. Sleepless nights, startle responses to the slightest noise, and the onset of panic attacks became my new reality. The vivid memories of handling the deceased, dragging body after body to a mass grave, haunted me. Seeking help, I turned to our Battalion psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Koffman. He offered an SSRI, but the side effects were as debilitating as the moral injury itself. The military culture, with its unspoken rules about strength and vulnerability, made it difficult to continue seeking help. I feared being seen as a liability by my comrades, worried about how they would perceive my "weakness."

So, I did what many in my position might do. I stopped the medication, ceased seeking help, and buried the trauma deep within, a ticking time bomb.

Life After Service: Fear of Reintegration

 

Leaving the military brought a new set of fears. The transition to civilian life was riddled with questions and uncertainties. Would I be welcomed back into society? How would my family and friends see me? Could I keep the trauma hidden, or would it spill out, unraveling the fabric of my civilian life? Fear of failing to reintegrate and not making it as a civilian loomed.

Avoiding the Triggers of Memory: A Heartbreaking Echo from An Nasiriyah

One of the most profound triggers that still affects me involves the sound of a young boy crying. This takes me back to a harrowing moment in An Nasariyah. We were clearing the aftermath of a combat zone, collecting the bodies of combatants and civilians alike. In a battered building, I stumbled upon a scene that would forever imprint itself on my psyche: a young boy, no older than ten, was wailing over the lifeless body of his mother. She had been fatally struck by a .50cal round that tore through the building. The raw, primal screams of that child, in his unimaginable grief, have haunted me for nearly two decades. That moment provided a harrowing answer to the incomprehensible questions I had about the reasons behind acts of terror. It was a stark, painful reminder of the endless cycle of violence and its impact on the most innocent of lives.

Over-Preparedness and Hypervigilance: The Lingering Shadows of The Triangle of Death

The lingering effects of my military experience became most apparent in seemingly mundane situations, like driving. During my second tour in Iraq's Al Anbar Province, known ominously as The Triangle of Death, the unseen enemy utilized IEDs as their primary tactic. I recall weeks filled with dozens of IED encounters, culminating in a devastating event on our last patrol. An IED detonated under a Humvee, instantly taking the lives of three close friends and severely injuring two others. These moments left an indelible mark on my mind. Even back home, my military instincts kick in every time I drive. I find myself scanning the roads, analyzing every irregularity, every piece of debris, reminiscent of those tense patrols in Iraq. This constant state of alertness, a soldier's reflex to protect and survive, starkly contrasts with the relative safety of civilian life but is a vivid reminder of the scars that war leaves behind.

Sleep Disturbances: The Echoes of Trauma in the Silence of the Night

The combination of moral injury and repeated mild traumatic brain injuries profoundly affected my sleep, magnifying the other traumatic symptoms I was grappling with. Even now, some of my nights are often disrupted by terrors and sleep paralysis. In these moments, I'm haunted by a recurring vision: a dark, shadowy figure standing over me, its hand pressing on my heart as if drawing out my life force. These night terrors always end the same way, leaving me in a state of panic and helplessness.

However, post-ibogaine treatment, I've found a new awareness in these moments. I realize I'm dreaming and experiencing sleep paralysis. With effort, I managed to vocalize enough for my wife to hear and pull me out of this terrifying state. This newfound awareness has been a small yet significant step in my healing journey, offering a glimmer of control in the chaotic realm of my subconscious.

Social Strain: The Inner Voice of Unworthiness

The relentless internal voice whispering, "You're not worthy of love" or "No one will ever understand you," has been a constant presence in my life, manifesting fear in the most unexpected places. This voice turned social gatherings and public places into emotional battlegrounds, often triggering panic attacks. At one point, I found myself reliant on 3mg of Ativan daily, a potent benzodiazepine, to keep these attacks at bay. But this medication was just a temporary fix, not a solution to the underlying turmoil.

The impact of this persistent sense of unworthiness was profound. It cost me my first marriage and nearly ended my second. Even during life’s most significant moments, like the birth of my children, I was emotionally absent. This disconnect is hard to articulate – it's a state of being where you go through the motions of life without truly feeling any of it. The sense of utter hopelessness, the feeling of being mentally and emotionally disconnected, is a heavy burden that's difficult to share in words.

I've heard people question how someone could consider ending their life when they have a beautiful family and seemingly everything to live for. While I understand these sentiments, I also intimately know the depths of despair that can make existence feel pointless. My condition left me feeling like a burden to those who loved and supported me, amplifying my sense of brokenness.

Consequently, I retreated further into isolation. The simple act of socializing, of trying to be "normal," felt like an insurmountable task. I withdrew from the world, stopped leaving the house, severed ties with friends, and abandoned hobbies that once brought me joy. My life became a mechanical existence devoid of genuine connection or purpose. It was a period marked by profound loneliness when the world felt endlessly vast and oppressively confining.

The Turning Point: Ibogaine Journey

 

The idea of using ibogaine, a naturally occurring psychoactive substance, to address my deep-rooted traumas was initially foreign to me. As a senior executive in academic medicine, my perspective on psychedelics and non-western healing methods was, understandably, quite skeptical. However, my experiences with meditation, breathwork, and Lakota Sweat Lodge Ceremonies gradually opened my mind to non-traditional approaches to healing. I found myself at a crossroads where conventional "science" had fallen short in providing the healing I sought.

Choosing ibogaine treatment represented a bold step into uncharted territory. It departed from the familiar realm of conventional treatments with limited success. The decision was fueled by a deep longing for transformation, a catalyst that I hoped would revolutionize my approach to processing and dealing with trauma. A dear friend, Dr. Andrea Lucie, introduced me to Dr. Martín Polanco founder of The Mission Within. 

Confronting Fear: The Warrior's Decision

As I contemplated the journey, fear reared its head once more, presenting a barrage of societal-driven false narratives about psychedelics. Questions and doubts swirled in my mind. Is this safe? What will happen if I travel to Mexico for this radical treatment? What about my job and my VA Disability benefits? Yet, it was the ingrained warrior mindset that propelled me forward. I realized that the only way to truly conquer this fear was to embrace it, to step forward into the unknown, and learn from it.

The Ibogaine Experience: A Cosmic Revelation

While I plan to share the intricacies of my ibogaine journey in a future blog post, it's crucial to acknowledge its transformative impact on my life. This journey was more than a treatment; it was an awakening that profoundly altered my understanding of trauma and fear.

During my ibogaine experience, I was presented with a cosmic perspective of my life’s traumas. My decisions symbolized as stars, were not isolated but part of an interconnected cosmic tapestry, linking my story with the lives of many others. This perspective highlighted the interconnectedness of our experiences, showing how even the most traumatic events could lead to beautiful and meaningful outcomes for me and those I've impacted, both knowingly and unknowingly.

This journey redefined fear for me, revealing it as an illusion created by the ego, often hindering more than helping. It emphasized how fear, though occasionally life-preserving, more often prevents healing, growth, and full engagement with life. A sobering realization helped me understand that I held the key to my liberation.

Cultivating Awareness: The Path Forward

 

In the years following my ibogaine experience, I've cultivated an increased awareness of my emotions through meditation, journaling, and learning from others on similar paths of healing. This practice allows me to pause and reflect rather than react impulsively. By tracing my emotions back to their source, I've learned to make decisions led by my heart rather than my ego, discerning the true substance of my fears.

Embracing Creative Challenges: A Journey Beyond Fear

My journey of self-transformation and healing has led me to confront and embrace new challenges, especially in creative expression. Venturing into writing, blogging, and content creation marked a significant shift from my established role as an executive in academic medicine to a realm where I was a novice, stepping into the unknown with a mix of excitement and trepidation.

This transition felt like entering a new battlefield, where the stakes were deeply personal. The expertise and recognition I had in my previous career stood in stark contrast to the vulnerability and exposure I faced as an author and content creator. It was a leap into a world where familiar fears took on new forms.

The move into creative pursuits brought with it a host of fears. The voice of imposter syndrome often questioned my authority - "Who am I to guide others, given my own errors in dealing with trauma?" This was closely followed by the fear of failure, a concern that my efforts might not resonate or reach anyone, leaving my story untold and unheard.

Vulnerability in Sharing My Story

One of the most significant challenges was embracing vulnerability. Sharing my deepest experiences and insights meant revealing parts of myself that had been closely guarded. This raised concerns about how others would perceive me personally and professionally. The fear of being seen as broken or unstable was a formidable barrier to overcome.

In this new chapter of my life, each step into the creative arena is a step away from fear and towards a more authentic expression of myself. It's a journey that continually teaches me about resilience, the power of vulnerability, and the importance of sharing our stories to connect with and inspire others.

Overcoming Fear with a Warrior's Resolve

Despite these fears, the warrior mindset that had once prepared me for battle now emboldened me to confront these new challenges. It taught me that the way to overcome fear is not to evade it but to meet it head-on, to learn from it, and to use it as a tool for growth. This mindset, coupled with the insights gained from my ibogaine journey and unwavering Love and support from my community, allowed me to see these creative pursuits as opportunities for growth, healing, and connection.

As I navigated the complexities of writing and sharing my story, I found that creativity became a therapeutic process. It provided a way to process my experiences, make sense of my journey, and find a deeper connection with others who might be on similar paths. Each word I wrote, each story I shared, became a step toward a more authentic, integrated self.

Beyond Fear and Ego: Embracing Growth and Authenticity

One of the most transformative realizations on my journey has been learning to see fear as a teacher, not an adversary. I've come to understand that fear often highlights areas ripe for growth. By confronting my fears, I've uncovered strength and resilience, finding that a world of deeply connected existence brimming with endless possibilities lies beyond fear. Equally important has been recognizing the role of the ego in perpetuating fear. Realizing that much of this fear is an ego construct meant to maintain a sense of control has been liberating. By challenging these ego-driven fears, I've been able to embrace a life that is not only more fulfilling but also truer to my authentic self. This journey has taught me that on the other side of fear and beyond the ego's constraints lies the freedom to live a life aligned with my deepest values and aspirations.

Ongoing Strategies for Managing Fear and Trauma: Mindfulness, Journaling, and Reflection

In my journey of healing and self-discovery, I've embraced several practices that have been pivotal in redefining and managing fear and trauma. When applied thoughtfully and consistently, these strategies have been transformative in my journey toward healing.

Harnessing Mindfulness with Wisdom Dojo: Integrating Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy into Daily Life

Over the years, I've found profound value in cultivating mindfulness and presence, and the Wisdom Dojo has been a pivotal part of this process. Wisdom Dojo is an innovative program designed specifically for veterans, aiming to seamlessly integrate experiences from psychedelic-assisted therapy into everyday life.

A Fusion of Practices for Veteran Wellness

The Wisdom Dojo uniquely combines traditional meditation practices with high-performance techniques from military training and elite athletic disciplines. This fusion focuses on recalibrating the nervous system, managing emotions, and enhancing concentration. The emphasis is on developing self-awareness, regulation, and compassion, crucial elements in the journey of healing and growth.

The AMP Dojo Training Program

At the heart of Wisdom Dojo's offerings is the AMP Dojo Training Program, an immersive 10-week course complemented by community-based training. This program is meticulously designed to deepen meditation skills while supporting the integration of insights gained from psychedelic therapy experiences. It offers a structured path for veterans like myself to advance our meditation practices and apply the transformative benefits of psychedelic therapy in our daily lives.

Personalized Guidance and Community Support

My experience with Wisdom Dojo has been significantly enriched through weekly sessions with Eric "Moose" Smith, a former NAVY SEAL, who guides me in these practices. His mentorship has been instrumental in helping me apply these techniques in practical, everyday scenarios, moving beyond autopilot and engaging life with increased mindfulness and presence.

Furthermore, Wisdom Dojo also offers a 'Train the Trainer' program, fostering a network of mentorship and community building among veterans. This approach creates a supportive and understanding environment where veterans can enhance their meditation practices and truly embody the benefits of their psychedelic therapy experiences in all facets of life.

A Path to Enhanced Self-awareness and Emotional Control

Through the guidance and resources provided by Wisdom Dojo, I've gained invaluable skills and insights. These have been crucial in helping me navigate life's challenges with greater emotional control, self-awareness, and a sense of grounded presence. Wisdom Dojo’s innovative approach has opened new pathways for personal growth, resilience, and a deeper understanding of my inner self.

Journaling: A Tool for Unearthing Emotions

Journaling has become essential to my healing toolkit, offering a private space to explore and confront my innermost thoughts and emotions. Inspired by the insightful prompts from Laura Conteuse and Riyah Speaks, I've integrated journaling into my daily routine of self-discovery and managing fears.

Here are a few prompts that I've found particularly transformative:

Exploring Fear and Overcoming It:

• Write a fictional scenario where a character conquers fear and learns from their journey.

• Reflect on the power of connection and community in alleviating fear and ways to seek support and build relationships.

Journal Prompts for Fear-Related Anxiety:

• Describe the physical sensations and thoughts experienced during anxiety and how fear contributes to it.

• Write a letter to yourself during a moment of anxiety, offering comfort and reassurance.

Prompts for Overcoming Fear:

• Identify what you are afraid of and why. Consider if your fears are realistic or not.

• List steps to overcome these fears and reflect on how these fears may be holding you back from accomplishing your goals.

Prompts for Fear of Failure:

• Imagine a life without fear of failure and describe the brave actions you would take and the goals you would pursue.

• List skills or things you want to learn but avoid for fear of failing.

These prompts, curated from the thoughtful work of Laura Conteuse and Riyah Speaks, offer a structured way to delve into the intricacies of fear and anxiety. I would encourage you to use these as a starting point and look for ways to make them uniquely yours. Prompts like these encourage a deeper understanding of oneself and provide a framework for overcoming personal barriers. Engaging with these prompts has transformed my journaling practice into a powerful tool for introspection and emotional growth.

Learning from the Healing Journey of Others: The Role of Reconsider

In my quest to understand and embrace different approaches to healing, I've been inspired by the work of organizations like Reconsider. Their mission and efforts exemplify the importance of learning from diverse perspectives on mental health and personal transformation.

Bridging Worlds for Transformation

Reconsider stands at the forefront of a crucial movement to bridge the medical, mystical, sacred, and scientific. They advocate for the integration of transformational medicines, including psychedelics, to address not just individual mental health struggles but collective challenges as well. This approach resonates deeply with my belief that healing is a multi-faceted journey that can benefit from traditional and non-traditional methods. Last year, I had the distinct honor to contribute a “Story of Transformation,” which you can view here.

A Vision of Deeper Connections

The vision of Reconsider echoes my own: a world where connections run deeper - among individuals, with the natural world, and with the essence of life itself. This vision aligns with the path I've walked, from the isolation of trauma to the discovery of profound interconnectedness through my healing journey.

Values That Foster Growth

Reconsider’s values of gratitude, curiosity, inclusivity, and community power are not just ideals; they are practical principles that can guide anyone on their path to healing. They emphasize the importance of authentic conversation and bridging diverse perspectives - something that I've found crucial in my own journey and in the stories shared by fellow veterans.

Impact Beyond Perceptions

The potential impact of Reconsider's work is immense. By reshaping societal narratives around psychedelics and mental health, they challenge the stigma and misconceptions surrounding these topics. This shift paves the way for more research, better understanding, and development of new, effective treatments for mental health conditions.

A Critical Role in Today’s World

In an era marked by a surge in mental health challenges, the role of organizations like Reconsider becomes increasingly vital. They not only contribute to individual wellness but also foster a broader societal understanding. Their inclusive approach, combining expertise from various fields like filmmaking, marketing, program development, and community engagement, enriches the conversation about mental health and healing.

As we navigate our healing journeys, organizations like Reconsider offer us new perspectives, tools, and hope. They remind us that our journey is not just about overcoming personal obstacles but also about contributing to a larger narrative of healing and understanding in the world.

Invitation to My Readers: A Mirror to Healing

 

As I share my personal journey, I hope to serve as a mirror for anyone grappling with trauma. My story, unique in its details, echoes a universal narrative of overcoming adversity and discovering strength in vulnerability. Remember, healing is not just a distant dream but a tangible and accessible path for all. Whether you're a veteran or not, if you find reflections of your struggle in my story, know that you are not alone. Many have walked this path, finding comfort and strength in shared experiences.

This journey through trauma is not just a challenge but an opportunity for profound personal growth. It invites a deeper understanding of yourself and your place in the world. Healing is about reclaiming your power, finding your voice amidst the chaos, and recognizing the significance of your experiences in shaping your unique story. I encourage you to embrace this process with an open heart and mind, recognizing the resilience within you. Let's step forward with hope and courage, transforming our challenges into stepping stones toward a more fulfilled and meaningful existence.

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  I’m deeply honored to continue this journey together Sending infinite love and abundance to all!